i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
