Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
