I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
