My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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