woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
