I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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