How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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