i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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