Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
