did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
hell yes lets make some ravioli
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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