I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
