theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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