dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
