the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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