you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
