They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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