I think I won the penis lottery.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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