What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
