at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
