woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
