I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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