those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
