dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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