I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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