I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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