this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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