Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
