Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
