mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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