Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
