I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
