In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
