if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
