so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
