she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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