If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
