He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
