Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
