Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
