there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
