I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
even my farts smell like vagina
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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