Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
