i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
