chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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