so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
