fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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