so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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