Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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