This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
