I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
