What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
