Im at strip club and am horny
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
