I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
