it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
