just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
