I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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