so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
