Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just had sex on a roof
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
