Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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