so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
