Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
