We named our party play list daddy issues
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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