i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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