I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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