i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
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