just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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